Happy New Year! Goofing Off
Featuring the Legendary and Infamous "Rocklist."
Judy Stewart: So, Wilsci what are you doing these days?
Me: Well … I usually do about three reviews a week for The New York Sun. And now I also try to do about two or three stories here for SubStack (Slouching Towards Birdland). Plus, I continue to write a story every month or two for The Wall Street Journal. And there’s my weekly radio show, Sing! Sing! Sing!, on KSDS San Diego, airing every Saturday at 10:00AM Pacific (1:00PM EST). Also I’m doing a visual virtual presentation at least once a week (usually on Wednesdays) for the New York Adventure Club. And oh yes, I try to find time to work on my forthcoming book, Nights at the Red Steinway: Notes on Jazz Piano. Lastly, I try to go out almost every night, to hear live music, see a show, or a new movie.
But when I’m not doing any of that, I just goof off.
So this post, in honor of Judy Stewart (who still professes not to “get” the title of “Slouching Towards Birdland”) and in celebration the New Year, today’s post will just be goofing off.
Another first - a picture of me (I, Wilsci) in this SubStack. I include this as a sort of a holiday present to myself, but mainly because last week I had a story in the Wall Street Journal - one that I had been pitching for over a year - about the centennial of a truly great American songwriter, Hank Williams (1923-1953) . (You can read that story here. If you can’t access it, let me know, hey.)
As I mention at the start of the story, a few years ago, I made a Holy Pilgrimage to the Hank Williams Museum in Montgomery, Alabama. (I spent a lot of my childhood in that fine state; in fact, the family joke was that we were from LA - Lower Alabama - but that’s another story.) Anyhow, I took advantage of the occasion to get my picture taken with none other than Kaw-Liga himself! (The one on the left is me.)
(Side note: I never got my picture taken with Mel Tormé, Joe Williams, Rosemary Clooney, Kay Starr, Doris Day, Sheldon Harnick, Adolph Green, or Cy Coleman - all of whom were good friends - or even my longtime editor and buddy Robert Gottlieb, but somehow I do have a picture of myself with Kaw-Liga.)
Behold the infamous “rocklist!” I have had this on my hard drives ever since the beginning of the age of digital data. Alas, I can’t remember the source of it or even who originally gave it to me. All I know is that this is allegedly is a list of “real” bands, meaning, actual ensembles that performed a real gig somewhere, in the 1980s or early ‘90s. (Actually, that’s not entirely true, the first batch, up at the very top, are, admittedly, gag names thought up by myself and a few friends.)
I take a look at it every couple of years and it never fails to make me smile. (Actually, if anybody knows the provenance on this list, please do let me know.) Also, an apology upfront - some of these band names are almost guaranteed to offend somebody.
STUPID BAND TRICKS
recent additions:
The Sad-Assed Gypsies
Jack Hoff and His Syncopated Masturbators
Big Pussy & the Wife-Beaters
Ben Steel and His Bare Hands
Elmer and the Fudds
Velvet Elvis
Dick Van Dyke and the Predatory Lesbyterians
Jamie Summers and the LesBionic Women
Avery Pisher and the Insignificant Others
Stan Clear and the Closing Doors
Murray Hill and his Telephone Rhythm
Nathan Glands and his Hormones of Harmony
The Stink-o-Paters
The Jazz Caterers
Lord Accountant (The Jewish Calypso Band)
The Retards of Rhythm
The Surreal Monogamists
Auntie Semite and Her Wandering Jews
Les Bo and His Band of HoMo
Surrounded by Assassins: The Jimmy Durante Memorial Punk Rock Band
Steve Scrotum and his Saxists
Blanche Whitewoman and Her Royal Caucasians
(alt: "Whitey" Whiteman and the Royal Caucasians)
Sal Livah and The Spit Valves
The Shiksa Sisters
The Four Skins
The Knights Who Say "Si Bon"
Dewey Ordonti & the Down-Lows
Sonic Death Monkey (from High Fidelity, the Broadway musical version)
The Von Krappe Singers
Saxhole
Infidel Castro
The Mother Huggers
Ron Zoni & the Pawn-Tones
The Reggae Jacksons
The Reverend Jesse Jolson and the Incognegroes
Heaubeaux a Go-Go
special thanks to Lord Carrett & the late Ron “Hutch” Hutchinson & Bob Belden
<<The following are taken from a list of rock bands names. (REAL Names)>>
[ a ]
Albino Toilet Boys
Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Apocalypse Hoboken
[ b ]
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band Over
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Barbara's Bush
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
The Boxing Ghandis
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Breakfast in Beirut
Bulimia Banquet
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators
[ c ]
Caltransvestites
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Carnage Asada
Cindy Brady's Lisp
Cortizone 5
[ d ]
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
The Dead Sea Squirrels
The Dick Clarks
The Dick Nixons
Dicky Retardo
Drunks With Guns
[ e ]
e. coli
Edith Head
Electric Prostates
Elvis Hitler
Ethyl Merman
[ f ]
Fearless Iranians From hell
'57 Lesbian
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
The French are from hell
Fromage d'Amour
[ g ]
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Gonoreagan
[ h ]
Headless Marines
Hell Camino
Herpes Cineplex
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler's Bikini
HIV and the Positives
Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
Hornets Attack Victor Mature
[ i ]
Impaled Nazarenes
Inhale Mary
[ j ]
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jehovah's Wetness
Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Jesus Christ Super Fly
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
JFKFC
Jonestown Punch
[ k ]
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Kerrigan's Knees
[ l ]
Lack of Afro
Lawn Piranhas
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Lee Harvey Keitel
Lesbian Ninjas
Louder Than God
[ m ]
Mao Tse Helen
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Max Roach and the Holders
Minnie Pearl's Jam
Mr. Happy and the Genocides
Mussolini Headkick
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
[ n ]
Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
Nervous Christians and the Lions
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving
[ p ]
Pabst Smear
Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
Penis DeMilo
Pepto Dismal
Phenobarbidols
Phlegm Fatale
Poultry in Motion
Pretentious Flamedogs
The Pro-Midget Mafia
Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
Psycho Sluts from Hell
Pungent Frustration
Purple Headed Love Warriors
[ r ]
Raging Pimps of Doom
Rectal Nightmare
Reluctant Stereotypes
Reserectum
Results of Inbreeding
Retarted Elf
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
[ q ]
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
[ s ]
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Screaming Headless Torsos
Screaming Iguanas of Love
Screaming Moist Accountants
Septic Death
Seven Year Bitch
The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
Skeptic Tank
Smegma & the Nuns
Smorgasborgnine
Solosex
The Sound of Munich
Space Negroes
Spastic Colon
The Sphinctones
Stiff Richards
Stukas Over Bedrock
Swingin' Johnsons
[ t ]
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
The Telephony Bandits of Doom
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
Testostertones
The Texas Nazis
Thank God We're Immortal
They Tried To Frame OJ
To Live and Shave in LA
Toxic Shock and the Tampons
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Tragic Mulatto
Transsexual Hitler
Trotsky Icepick
[ u ]
Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
Unstoppable Kamikaze Idiots
[ v ]
Vaginal Davis
The Velcro Pygmies
Vic Morrow's Head
[ w ]
The Well Hungarians
Willie Nelson Mandela
[ y ]
Yoko Homo
[ z ]
Zip Code Rapists
Zombies Under Stress
Zulu Leprechauns
PS: Coming soon, I hope, my even-more-in-depth history of one of the major works of recorded sound, Gordon Jenkins’s Manhattan Tower!
Very Special thanks to the fabulous Ms. Elizabeth Zimmer, for expert proofreading of this page, and scanning for typos, mistakes, and other assorted boo-boos!
Sing! Sing! Sing! : My tagline is, “Celebrating the great jazz - and jazz-adjacent - singers, as well as the composers, lyricists, arrangers, soloists, and sidemen, who help to make them great.”
A production of KSDS heard Saturdays at 10:00 AM Pacific; 1:00PM Eastern.
To listen to KSDS via the internet (current and recent shows are available for streaming.) click here.
The whole series is also listenable on Podbean.com, click here.
SPECIAL ENCORE PERFORMANCES!
December 31: The Early Years 1935-42 hosted by Will Friedwald
January 1: The Columbia Years 1943-’49 hosted by Ken Poston
January 2: The Radio Years: hosted by Chuck Granata
January 3: The Fall and Rise (1950-’54) hosted by Will Friedwald
January 4: Frank and Nelson hosted by Will Friedwald
January 5: The Capitol Years hosted by Loren Schoenberg
January 6: Bonus! Sing! Sing! Sing! Some Frank Conversation with Adam Gopnik
January 7: The Movies: Hosted by Chuck Granata
January 8: The Early Reprise Years 1960-'65 hosted by Loren Schoenberg
January 9:The Concert Years hosted by Ken Poston
January 10: The Rat Pack hosted by Ken Poston
January 11: Inside the Studio hosted by Chuck Granata
January 12: Bonus! In the Wee Small Hours with AJ Lambert (Sinatra’s granddaughter)
January 13: 1965-1974 The Main Event hosted by Will Friedwald
SLOUCHING TOWARDS BIRDLAND is a subStack newsletter by Will Friedwald. The best way to support my work is with a paid subscription, for which I am asking either $5 a month or $50 per year. Thank you for considering. (Thanks as always to Beth Naji & Arlen Schumer for special graphics.) Word up, peace out, go forth and sin no more! (And always remember: “A man is born, but he’s no good no how, without a song.”)
Note to friends: a lot of you respond to my SubStack posts here directly to me via eMail. It’s actually a lot more beneficial to me if you go to the SubStack web page and put your responses down as a “comment.” This helps me “drive traffic” and all that other social media stuff. If you look a tiny bit down from this text, you will see three buttons, one of which is “comment.” Just hit that one, hey. Thanks!
great
Trotsky Icepick's actually excellent! lol!